The Wall

Yesterday I spent time with a friend that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. It should never be that long in between the time we see one another. Life just happens and gets in the way and you lose track of it. The thing is though you never lose stride with some friends. It is like no time has really passed at all. You just pick up where you left off and keep going.

She asked me a question about my personal life that got me thinking and has been on my mind quite a bit since. She asked me if had anyone special. My answer was of course no and that I was ok with that for now. I try and not dwell on it very much. The reality is I don’t try very hard to find someone either. If truth be told I have a little wall up about it. A protection from getting hurt. I am very aware of the wall. It protects and is a hinderance to me. I do not feel whoa is me for I am single at all. I am as content as I can be leading this life. I do not let it consume me. It is my life and my truth for right now.

I have had single girl friends who have lived in that whoa is me state. They can’t get out of it. They let it define them, rule them. Wallow in it. I can’t do that. However, I do embrace that little wall that is around me. It still protects me. As single people we all have thought, there must be something wrong with me. There is something wrong with how I look…I’m not attractive enough or thin enough, witty enough….no one will look at me that way. No one will be attracted to me for more than a friend. I feel that way at times, and I try to work with the body and the looks that God granted me. That thing you feel is arrogance when you meet me is my wall. It is my protection from getting hurt. So far I have not made the best choices in the man department. I’m sure I let some good ones slip away. I would like to think that I learned some things along the way. I just haven’t had the chance to figure out if I learned enough.

Most of the men I have either been attracted to, or could be attracted to I discover are already taken or married. I find that I am more comfortable around those men anyway. There is no need to try to impress or be on some best behavior, you can just be who you are. It isn’t a big deal. I don’t have to think about how I might look at the moment or worry about what I am going to say…it doesn’t matter. They are taken. I haven’t been able to figure out how to hone that in on someone who is available or attainable. Again, its that wall. It’s kind of thick and fully in place all of the time. The irony of it is that it turns away the availables and the attainables I am sure. I haven’t figured out what to do about it yet. It’s ok….maybe I will break it down myself someday. Or, more than likely someday when I’m not paying attention God’s gonna crack my wall and the crack will spread and break it. Maybe I should stop paying attention!

I did however figure out who my man crush is if you would be interested in knowing. Of course you must know that he is not available…because he isn’t local or really ever attainable. That figures doesn’t it! He has some of the characteristic that I am on the look out for. He doesn’t know me, he would have no reason to ever meet me. But to me he is fascinating, and intelligent (as far as I can tell), pretty funny, witty, charasmatic, thoughtful, a gentleman, chivalrous, British, pretty hot if I do say so myself. If you run into someone like Tom Hiddleston (or the man himself), please send him to Grand Rapids and ask him to look me up. I think we would be great friends…….and we could be “burdened with glorious purpose” together!

“When you refuse to settle for less than the best, the best tends to track you down.” The Single Woman Mandy Hale. The best had better start tracking and bring a chisel when you come! You are probably gonna need it.

Deep sigh……you know you just took one at that picture….

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~ by callingallcurves on June 8, 2014.

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